Everything I’ve Learned to Write the Perfect Query

Dear Agent That Absolutely Wants To Represent Me Via This Unsolicited Query,

This is where you put a one line hook to your book that may or may not actually be completely out of tune with the rest of your query. You desperately try to match it to the style of your book. You stare at it for countless numbers of days, weeks, and occasionally months.

Here you expand upon your plot. I hope you only have one relevant character because that’s as many words as you are allotted. One. Ok. You’ve already used too many words. No. Stop. Stop now.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING? YOU HAVE ANOTHER PARAGRAPH ABOUT YOUR PLOT. HOW DARE YOU.

CALL TO ACTION. This book is about something and you somehow waited to put that all the way down here.

Now is the time to get pithy and reference this one specific agent even though you probably have approximately 5-10 queries out right now. It’s cool. A couple won’t bother responding at all. Just keep breathing. Breathe and be pithy.

Talk all about your wonderful writing credentials. Name drop a couple of conferences. What do you mean you are unpublished and unknown? Too bad.

Author bio? What author bio?

Thanks for the upcoming rejection,

~ Authorial Furies

Except you aren’t done yet.

Some of you want a sample chapter. HAVE AT IT. Please ignore the fact that the character I just talked about doesn’t actually show up for a chapter or two and actually this is an epic fantasy with like twelve main characters but totally only really focused on that one character because that’s how you write query letters and this is all one sentence because that’s how I live my life. #runonlife

OH WAIT. Now you want a 1-2 page synopsis of 120,000 words. Will do:

PLOT

PLOT

PLOT

PLOT

PLOT

PLOT

PLOT

PLOT

PLOT

PLOT

PLOT

PLOT

PLOT

PLOT

PLOT

PLOT

PLOT

PLOT

PLOT

PLOT

PLOT

PLOT

PLOT

CLIFFHANGER ENDING. HOPES FOR A SEQUEL.

And that’s it. That’s everything I’ve learned.

You can read more about my querying woes here and here. I’m sure more are to come as I convince myself to get out of my querying hiatus. I just couldn’t job hunt and agent hunt at the same time. That is the way to sadness. Sadness and chocolate.

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Author: authorialfuries

A literary dragon hoarding words like treasures.

8 thoughts on “Everything I’ve Learned to Write the Perfect Query”

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