The Hater’s Guide to Tea

Yesterday I received a three line email from my sister: Can you write the hater’s guide to enjoying tea? I could really use that. THAT IS ALL.

This is me taking up the challenge.

First of all: Put down the coffee. (I know that it will take someone prying the black,  shade grown, organic, fair trade coffee from your cold, dead hands to actually stop you from drinking it. However, this is the first step to drinking something else.)

Ok. Now that your hands are empty of that, its time to pick your poison. Choose your own adventure style.

1. Are you the sort of person who wants their coffee straight and as darkly roasted as possible?

If yes, go to 2.

If no, go to 5.

2. Did you lie? Do you think you like black coffee but actually you always order a milky flavored latte?

If you lied, go to 3.

If you are as bitter as your coffee go to 4.

3. Go for a London Fog. Add a splash of milk and a shot of vanilla syrup to a cup of Earl Grey.

4. Go for a black tea straight up.

5. Perhaps you like a lighter roast of coffee for the “subtlety of flavor” and the “fruity notes” and the “pretension of wine tasting.”

If yes, go to 6.

If no, go to 8.

If you are irritated by the way I wrote that, go to 7.

6. Try out an herbal tea.

7. You’re the sort of person who leaves the bag in and overbrews it, then complains it’s too bitter aren’t you? Go to 9.

8. Try green tea.

9. Drink your coffee and be happy about it.

Now that we have that sorted, how do you actually brew a cup of tea without turning it into a disaster?

Step 1. Own a kettle.

Step 2. Water in said kettle.

Step 3. Flame on.

Step 4. Place a tea bag into a cup, because if you are reading this you probably aren’t bothering with loose leaf. I accept that. You do you.

Step 5. Wait impatiently as the water comes to a boil whilst contemplating why you aren’t drinking coffee.

Step 6. Pour hot water into cup over tea bag.

Step 7. Wait while staring at your cup as the water darkens. Ask yourself why it isn’t the soul-darkening shade of black coffee.

Step 8. Fiddle on your phone for three minutes if drinking green tea, five minutes if drinking black tea, or seven minutes if drinking herbal.

Step 9. Take out the tea bag.

Step 10 (Optional). Add a splash of milk, sugar, honey, or lemon juice. Don’t forget your middle school science: milk and lemon juice together is a bad idea.

Step 11. Drink your tea.

Step 12. Don’t complain when it’s not coffee.

Cheers everybody.

Note: Everyone should be very proud of me for not riddling this post with gifs of Uncle Iroh every other sentence. I will just quote: “Sick of tea? That’s like being sick of breathing!”

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Author: authorialfuries

A literary dragon hoarding words like treasures.

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